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Valerie Was a Wingnut

Page 2

Annie Ryall

Mortise:  … and as for your so-called girlfriend

Spacer:  Her name’s Dynabolt mum.

Mortise:  Hmmmm more like a head screw shank I’d say.

Spacer:  That’s not fair… you barely know her… anyway I’m over listening to you, I’m going out.

Mortise:  Just where do you think you’re going?

Spacer:  I’m taking Socket for a walk.

Mortise:  Hmm.  Well don’t be too long.  You’ve got Woodwork to finish. 

Spacer:  (Mumbling… slamming the door as he goes out).

Mortise and Tenon would shake their heads and commiserate with a Screwdriver on ice – their favourite pre-dinner cocktail. 

Mortise:  I don’t know Tenon… why is parenting this hard?   All we ask is that the kids have a little self-respect and aim for quality. Is that too much to ask?

Tenon:  No of course not dear. A hand-chiselled join was good enough for us.  It should be good enough for our kids.

At that point Valerie comes running down the stairs excitedly. 

Valerie: Mum, Dad, I’ve been offered an apprenticeship!

Mortise: Oh, that sounds wonderful darling…

Tenon:  Who is it with?  Which joinery firm… which bespoke carpentry atelier will you be working for?

Mortise:   Yes, we can’t wait. Do tell!

Valerie:   I’ll be part of a pre-fabricated assembly team in the company – oh it’s for Ikea.  The letter’s signed by A.K., Supervisor.   Sounds exciting doesn’t it?

Mortise and Tenon look at each other in horror. Both collapse back down on the work bench.

Mortise:  A.K.?

Tenon:  Oh no

Mortise & Tenon:  (in unison) Allen Key

Tenon:  (white faced and trembling) … Mortise, Could you pour me another screwdriver… and make it a double.

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