Home » Archive » All I Ever Wanted » Page 2

All I Ever Wanted

Page 2

Barry Revill

Yesterday my maths teacher became very annoyed with me. I wrote down two plus two equals five. She went all red in the face and sort of screwed up her nose and did funny little jumps up and down on the same spot. I thought she looked real funny because as she was jumping up and down one way her boobs were bouncing up and down another and I thought it was a real scream and I started to laugh real loud and then she got what you might describe as being really pissed off and she asked me to stand up and explain how two plus two could equal five.

I stood up, and they were all staring at me, and I sort of felt I wanted to piss myself but I didn’t. So I just explained that a long time ago there were not any figures or maths at all and one day a guy wrote down two plus two etc. and from then on, all over the world, people wrote down, two plus two equals four etc. just like that. And then I did piss myself, and some kids giggled, and I heard a whisper of “spasso” and I just stood there because I did not know what to do, and then I knew I had to run, to get out of there, so I just left, and ran down the corridor to the loo and got down on the floor, real low on the floor, and I curled up, and I felt real safe all curled up on the floor. I like it down low on the floor, I can see things, little things, I can see ants sometimes moving along the floor. Ants are always busy, always doing things, always going here, always going there, that’s what ants do, because I have seen them when I am low down on the floor, because that is what I do.

And the other thing I have to tell you is that I have a bit of a garden. I grow lettuces with pretty coloured leaves and I grow a tomato in a special pot which waters itself from the bottom, and sometimes, when I am having trouble getting the seeds to grow, I start them off on a bit of wet cotton wool. This is called science, this is called experimenting, and I try to come to the correct conclusion based on thinking clearly and with logic, this is what I try to do, and this is what I talk about to Miss James who I have already told you is my science teacher.

Page 2

This edition